“Patriarchy is good”

Your first reaction reveals whether or not you yourself follow patriarchal thinking patterns. Let’s take a look at what patriarchy actually means, where it’s appropriate, and where it doesn’t belong.

Were you on the defensive or in a defensive stance? Was your first reaction to oppose it? Well, then you yourself are in protection mode, on the defensive. And that is neither right nor wrong, but rather the state that fits your life story.

That doesn’t mean, however, that things have to stay this way. You make that decision today.

To paraphrase a Chinese proverb, it would have been best 10 or 20 years ago, but the second-best time is now. So it’s great to have you here.

Let’s take a look at what patriarchy is—but also what it isn’t. And why we need better words for it.

A short story to explain: The 4-year-old sister was attacked by a dog. When he saw this, the 6-year-old brother stepped in. Both survived, but he also has severe bite wounds on his face. When asked why he did it, the boy says, “If one of us had to die, it should have been me.”

In all real-life stories, of course, these themes overlap. The willingness to sacrifice oneself is more about testosterone, but the response to danger—that is, protection—is the core of patriarchy.

Patriarchy describes our Gecko (brainstem), which is why the term is sexist and misleading. It encompasses all patterns of behavior, methods, techniques, and tools we use to protect and defend ourselves.

When we perceive or sense danger, we automatically switch to Gecko mode, to “patriarchy.” We protect ourselves, and in doing so, we also exert control over others. Everything else takes a back seat to the perceived danger.

Matriarchy is a different default state. It is the relationship mode. It is the connection, the trust, and the resulting sense of security within the pack.

Even though they may sound similar to us, protection and safety are actually opposites. From the perspective of a pack, they point in different directions. Protection is directed against external danger or threats. I safeguard the system. And safety is a state of peace and relaxation, of cohesion and a shared direction within the system.

When we demand safety (from the outside), we’re lost. We haven’t understood either side and are trapped in “patriarchy.” Whenever we try to impose something on others (people we don’t even know), we’re driven by fear and entrenched in patriarchy.

Outside the boundaries of our system, there can be no security. We cannot make any statements. If I have no data to calculate a probability, then I should assume a neutral environment. Often I do have data, in which case I adjust my assessment honestly.

Safety is calculated by our limbic system (our emotional/social intelligence). It is a probability function: How likely is it that I am safe in my current environment? This can range from 100% to 0%, though in practice it tends to fall between 87% and 13%. We rarely encounter the extremes.

Relationship and attachment mean that I have environments where I can make a very good assessment and, at the same time, feel a very high level of safety. In many families and environments we are forced into, we may have a lot of data, but a low level of safety. The basic idea of the pack is that both come together.

If you haven’t experienced a safe environment and want to force one out of desperation (instead of building it), you put yourself in a position of being controlled by others and create insecurity for everyone else. And all with the best of intentions.

If you see the statement “Patriarchy is good” as an attack and react defensively, then that statement has challenged a part of your worldview (or belief system). So you go into defense mode, into self-protection. In other words, you react with “patriarchy.”

In this situation, the Gecko isn’t really necessary. But it tells us another story.

If I write this so casually, it means there’s absolutely no danger to you. If you react anyway—if your Gecko is hyperactive—then that’s a warning sign. And that warning sign indicates a lack of safety.

Patriarchy (or the Gecko) is the emergency mode. Matriarchy (Limbi, or safety through connection) should be the default state.

Calling for “less patriarchy” completely misses the point. If we operate in protection mode internally, it’s because we lack a sense of safety. Protection mode is meant to fill the void left by that lack of safety.

If we want to feel less afraid, we need to build more safety. In other words, we need to develop and apply relationship skills.

I can’t get rid of darkness by simply saying, “Make it less dark.” The only way is to bring in more light. And it’s the same here. We have to actively build safety; then insecurity will disappear.

(More about the worldview in Two perspectives on the world—and little overlap)