Why are we talking about relationships? Because we need to understand why we are together, next to each other, lonely or lost.
We can learn something about ourselves from our relationship types. They show our inner state. They are the simplest magical mirror that shows us our soul. And a mirror never evaluates or judges. But it doesn’t bend either. Mirrors only show the truth. And then we can decide whether we want to stay that way, wash ourselves or fix something.
So are we living encounter or use? Are we stuck in a trauma loop, or are we really living?
“Do I want something from you or do I want you?
Do I see you or is it about the feeling that you trigger in me?”
Real Relationship
It’s actually simple and beautiful: both give themselves in abundance. The maximum principle. I give myself completely and know that you give yourself completely. We are gifts for each other.
This is always based on unconditional love and acceptance. So I have developed and trained the skills for love and relationships.
IrRelationship
We are in the transaction. Minimal principle. We have our account balance. I take from you, I give something in return. Everything is well adjusted and a record is kept at all times.
Why am I doing this? Because I have never experienced trust and security. These are not relationship patterns, but fear patterns. We are in gecko. Autopilot and survival mode. We want to create artificial security through bookkeeping.
Transactions are the highest form of trust that we know and can do. And it is a reciprocal form of use. It has nothing to do with a relationship.
Princess-Treatment
“I want to have”, “I want to be taken care of”, “I deserve this”. That’s what you get with guys and girls.
The background is even deeper and earlier trauma than in the irrelationships. Here I am stuck in an inner attitude of between 3-5 years. I’m looking for parents, not a counterpart. I want to be cared for because I didn’t experience it as a child.
“If I’m ever really saved, then everything will be fine, then I’m valuable”.
The “I want” can take different forms, whether it’s money, attention, protection or help with problems. The point is that I get myself into a difficult situation (drama) and then I want to be rescued. Just like mom or dad should do.
The thrill comes from the expectation of salvation. When I find myself in (often self-created) difficulties, I wake up and come alive. Then I speak up and demand “you have to help me because I am small and weak and overwhelmed; I am the victim”.
And we usually like to help, which only makes it worse. (see the idea of “Toxic Charity”) These people are stuck in a pattern of addiction. As with any other external emotional regulation. Real help is helping them out of the addiction loop. Help is never about getting the next fix.
These contacts are completely one-sided. I’m not interested in the other person. It’s not evil, but my inner pain is so great that I don’t see anything in the world apart from my pain. I am a desperate little child crying for help and attention.
That is the story behind sexualization and other objectifications. I live in a split identity. I’m stuck in my perceived worthlessness and part of me constantly wants to prove it to myself. While another part thinks “if I get rescued properly, then everything will be fine, then I’ll be valuable”.
See, Don’t Evaluate or Judge
“Egal wo du bist, du bist wundervoll.”
- Real relationships correspond to an emotional maturity of >10 years.
- Unrelationships are an emotional maturity of 7-10 years
- Princess treatment is an emotional maturity <7 years.
And here it comes: that’s completely okay. It is what it is. It was made with you and it’s your story.
It’s not your fault that you didn’t learn anything else. You are still wonderful.
Nevertheless, from now on you have the obligation and responsibility to change this. Until now, you didn’t know any better. But now you know an alternative.
It’s All About You. You Are Valuable.
One thing is most important: it’s about you all the time. They are methods of self-harm. You deprive yourself of hope and opportunity to heal, to grow, to connect.
These mechanisms keep you in pain. In the endless violation of your basic needs. Because your real basic needs are only satisfied in genuine encounters and connection.
Just because you were hurt like that many years ago says your world view and beliefs: I deserve this, so let’s repeat it for the rest of our lives.
That would be a shame.
So look in the mirror. Hold out the truth for a moment. And then you can become free.
The Next Step?
Everything here is mega short and sweet. Just a sketch. But it can be your starting point for a journey.
“Because you fear rejection and betrayal at all times, so you commit the betrayal first, so at least you have control.”
Until now, you will have fled from real encounters. You will hurt, betray, block, ignore and keep at a distance people who really want to meet you. Real closeness scares you because you fear rejection and betrayal at all times, so you commit the betrayal first so that you at least have control. Control is a stale substitute for self-determination and security. Two of our basic needs.
And your sexualization or whatever roles you play (success, power, beauty, intelligence, wit but also being a victim) are your substitute for self-worth.
The list of names in my heart that punish themselves and don’t allow real encounters and relationships is long. Far too long. And you are probably one of them.
“What’s preventing you from giving yourself permission to be truly alive?”
So get out of the substitute and into real safety, self-worth and self-determination.
Use and share it. It’s free.
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